cornea

waken up in the middle of night with tears flowing down non stop on my left eye and thinking maybe some small sand or eyelashes irritating the cornea and went to wash up and noticed whole left eye was red but at least not so uncomfortable and try to go back to sleep as was AM shift....... didn't sleep well can felt something is inside the eye and each time i blink can just felt something is there...

decided to not wear contact lenses and still go to work and noon time went to clinic and request to see eyes specialist and after some eyes examination and found out that left cornea is having some scratch and laceration due to prolonged wear of contact lenses and eyes are very dry...... some antibiotic and eyes lubricate and hopefully will be fully recover...

is quite difficult to work and wearing glasses especially with a mask on and all the fogging on glasses

just have to cancel my year end trip to rest my eyes.....

vision is extremely important

On nights shift

in less than 6 hours going to start my cycle of 3 nights and i simply hope that it will be a peaceful and non-activity nights as i am with quite juniors RNs as working team....

don't wish to "cover the mountain & ocean" for whole 3 nights.... is a nightmares.. while people are at home sleeping and i am working in a nightmare for 10 hours is really a nightmare.

i am sure the Liver transplant patient is still in ICU given this is a long weekend and was not doing well during surgery and most probably will require pt to stay longer days in ICU..

the rest are equally ill but standing fragile on the fence

i don;t wish to know whom are going same shift as me as it just get me worry as i can foresee the type of common things will happen with certain colleagues that i have.. rather go there and just be with it....

feeling lost

have not coming in here and write down the life story that i am having...... was quite down by few issue and realise it will not be over till is over

now is December and very soon a new year is here again and a new resolution again??

what are my plan and i know the is not an easy question to answer and yet is sound do easy to ask

currently in work place i am really wonder where do i belong....

i don't "polish SNM" shoes and so aren't many opportunity for me to attend conference and no TLs for seminar too

am i a threat to both of them that i will do a better job than them??

or is because of my good friends and my really close friends??

or it just matter after know who i am mixing around??

to stay on with the relationship of "colleague" for the sake of professional of work is really a tough job for me

and want to hang around and enjoy the same people companionship after work is totally out of questions........

i still have my life to go on

i don't believe in forming clique to show "power"

i believe is the capability that management should be looking for

and at the same times i know no one is prefect and that "devil" of bias is always there

lift everything off my shoulder and walk away...... as what the local said "bohchap"

there is lot of so called "office politic" is going on and i simply don't the games and rules and simply think i am hopeless in it

being alone is OK as long as my conscious is clear........

been working in ICU, i simply have to Thanks GOD for leading me into ICU Nursing and open my eyes and my heart of what is going on and how bless i am

it is true that we always chasing for more and forget to count our blessing???

a colleague forwarded me a email regarding life in different part of world and each definition of luxury is so different and yet some are so grateful and some still un-satisfy and asking for more and still chasing

in life, is money so important?
in life the latest technology is a measurement?

in Bhutan is the Gross of happiness that is a national measurement

what is happiness??

even myself can't answer that

have i try my best??

give up half way??

quit when things go wrong??

never can tell how close i am, it may near when it seem so far away

how close am i to it??

new project??

my last project just completed.... officially closed down

now, what am i suppose to do??

plan??

future??

what am i suppose to do with my life?

where am i going?

few days ago was asked to take up a clinical teaching course, 3 months course and need to supervise the students that comes to ICU for attachment and other staffs that come for internal cross-training....

i didn't take up the offer as i was not the first one to been offer and i am having other commitment this month which unable me to take up the course and most important is that i don't think i can teach and enjoy teaching

preceptoring the new staffs sometimes is enough to boiled me up and really make me feel disappointed with the younger nurses' attitudes and behaviours

when i was back to work and was been asked why i didn't take up the offer as many of us actually turn it down until the offer snowball down to a much younger trained staff in the ICU and she took up the offer and very happy to accept it

teacher?? easy job?? i personally think for a person to teach she/he need to have a good foundation of knowledge and well verse in the skills too as in ICU many skills are important and are needed

what happen if i teach something wrong and the teaching just go on and on
blind lead the blind...........

while doing some reflection on the way home........... asking myself "where am i going?? what am i plan to do for the next 5 years??""

question that i can't answer it as i have not plan it and living in an no aim of direction of life!!!!

i am so lack of confidence!

Leave me alone please!

i have to been honest that i have not enjoy nursing as the way as i am 12 years ago.. people that know me knew why and those who don't know me well is surprises and asking me why still stay on

i did and try to plan to leave and go somewhere else and work especially to other different country where nursing is better learning place for me to upgrade myself but unsuccessful........ can only blame myself

recently, my regular makan-kaki had just tender in and is leaving at end of this month to go to Dubai.... paying back the hospital outstanding of 10 months of bond and coming close to 10K... interview was June and now she is busy packing and clearing her AL and get to her new chapter of life

if i want to continue nursing, i need to move

if there any other way beside that????

" is not where you work, is depend who you are working with""

guess is very true as now the whole ICU is kind chaos due to some stupid personal clashes and involving some many unrelated staffs

for me as i don't get involve and keep my personal life away from work is unintentionally make me become a middle of nonsense cold war

leave me alone please........

i still have lot of things to get it right in my own personal life

i still need to plan my future

i have no time for office politics

i am totally exhausted from all these

leave clinical ???

everything happen for a reason................. tell me so

Exam week for the hospital

14th july to 18th July is actually an exam period for the hospital as is the JCI audit week.

many policy and new policy have been propping up and lot of changes are made and still in the process of changing too.

Housekeeping have been scrubbing, cleaning, waxing, polishing and etc.... non-stop for the past few weeks and more this weekend as tommorow is the day..

Casenotes have been checked throughly and well summarize up and change of new cover too.

Hospital and department policies have been now at fingertips

I just hope we did well and all this will be over by this weekend and no need to re-sit the exam again!

burn-out

few days ago there was a explosion in Tuas and injured many of the workers, the worst injured, badly burned were transfer to our hospital and eventually all admitted to Burn Unit and as usual the whole hospital have to deploy staff to the ward as that ward is usually have a very little staffing as most of time there isn't any patient there....

two was admitted as HD status and four was admitted as ICU status partly due to inhalation burn..... all are foreigner came here to work to support their family far far away from s'pore

despite my own ICU was full and few patients on CVVH and still exchanging non-intubated patients with ICA to create bed for E-case and our ICU still have to deploy 2 RN there to help out in the Burn ICU.....

yesterday, i was selected to go... is not my first time as i did deploy there last year when the NS boys was transfer back from Taiwan to help to start the CVVH for one of the boys..

i was put IC of one of the ICU status patient and he was doing quite good despite almost 50% burned and the inhalation burn was not as serious as the rest of them and by end of my shift was able to extubate him and put him on FM 5L/min and talking in English and asking lot of questions...and i have to keep up with the hourly IV drip and hourly nebulisation for him

the changing of external dressing by the Dressing team really hurt and painful and I really generous with the infusion and boluses of analgesic, making he co-operative with the dressing and log roll

while i was looking after the cervical during log roll and can really felt the his hair are really crispy and dry and of course all the eyebrows are gone....

i don't really like cooking as i find it hot and uncomfortable

seeing him i can just visualise how much pain he went thru as he was finding his way out of the burning place and walk out to look for help

safety at work place is such an important things and lot of time people tend to take fire too lightly and went we take safety for granted and it hurt so much and cost too much too

Prayer for Sichuan

few days ago, the state of Sichuan was a change of place... building and roads were rumble down and it took lot of lives with it...

most of the children were in school and i hope they didn't feel any pain since it all happen so fast.

i can understanding the parents' feeling when they went to look for the child at the school and their hope crush down when they arrive and saw the school building in zero ground

helps was not easy to reach there but i hope it will get there soon

from the paper today, i get to know that a hospital was down to ground zero with the patients and all the health care staffs inside and the survivors were those rest days only.......

each time i watch the news, i tears but is nothing compared to them

such traumatic events...

less harm!

recently, quite a number of trained staffs are on AL and leaving the shift with a equal number of new staff on ground level.... the ICU have been quite full this few weeks due to overflow cases from the Medical to Surgical ICU... and most of the patients are quite ill and require lot of close monitoring and attention....

rather stable and weaning from ventilator cases are slowing been cleared away to step down wards and more ill ones are been admitted from nearby countries too for treatment......

a few near miss incident had happen and quite a number of us are really unhappy but the supervisor don't think that way..... have been watching them closely but still mistakes happen and have to sit down and have a face to face talks to them and it seem to be not taking lot of effects.......

i was extremely tired since i am doing the overall I/C as i have to run the bed managements and overseen the whole works process of ICU and looking after them is really tired me out...... really knock off on my way home and really have to take a nap before resume my own personal time.....

mental & physical tiring is really pulling the my soul down..........

i need a breakway from here............

so much changes within a year??

a colleague which happen to be deploy to other ICU for a year as that ICU is extremely severely shortage of CC trained nurse, and recently after more than a year, she was finally back to the ICU....

after a week of re-orientation to the old ICU, she was quite shock as so many practice is short change and quite a number of newbies are really not up to standard..

when she went to function solo on her own and more she find out and more she query why so much changes within a year????

the standard is dropping and seem like is only a few are concern to keep up the standard.... last week after a busy AM shift, we were sitting down and have a cup of Milo to fill the stomach 1st before become hypoglycaemic...

while she was voice out her concern and worry, as now she fully understand what i told her regarding the ICU staffing standard half a year ago... no matter how much we worry for patients' safety and comfort, the ones that sit in office, don't seem to worry despite after all these was voice-out to the one that sitting in office.

are we worry to much and yet the ones sitting in office don't seem to be bother with the standard of the dropping standard....

extra staffs

according to the system, we are well loaded with staffing.... meaning the ICU is well staffs and to other department can mean we are over-staffs....definitions is depending where you works!

i do realise after i came back from my short break that in each shift there is extra staff and i don't agree that the "extra" is consider as part of the staffing as they are new and of course can't take the case on their own,, now only buddy with the current staffs 1st...

no such things as if you can work in General Ward you can work in ICU.... totally different requirement and skills needed....

need Quality staff not just Quantity staff in ICU...

over the weekend, there is no Nurse Manager or Nurse Clinician around and few wards need call up asking for deployment as the computer system show that our patients quota is on low side compared to the previous weeks..

and is still a "norm" for a few particular ward that regular high MC on weekends and constantly asking for staffing..... it reflect so much on the staff and ward's management....

i didn't grant any deployment as i rather ask my colleagues to clear their PHs that been holding back since January and February...

when that ICU was full and fill with ill and shortage of staffs, everyone work very hard to support each other and make sure the patients was well taken care and priority of patients comes first and now the quota is low, is the time the staffs spend the time on themselves and family or loved ones.....

March school Holiday!

lot of things have happen since January and I still asking myself WHY??

been to friend's place for dinner as everyone is quite tied down with work and couldn't make up where to have a good dinner and the laughing will not disturb other diners.....

was a good home-cooked foods and lot of wine but not for me as i went after a hectic morning shift....... drinking wine will just make me more sleepy and might fallen asleep in cab on my way home, which is really not a good choice, drank lot of OJ!

soon i realised on that table where all of us get to know each other in the previous ICU and now only left me working in ICU, all have left clinical except me...... research, admin, teaching and non nursing related job........ hmmmmm...........am i ok??

beside the host's great food, we brought a Cedele's carrot cake ....... was a good one and everyone was enjoying the cake......... wanted to get a cheesecake but someone in the dinner don't really enjoy cheese

was been ask, what is my plan?? to be honest, i not really think much of it and i know is a bad planning...... of course not staying here for long as my idea and management doesn't go hand-in-hand........

the next rotation of posting is coming and wonder who is "moving" out?? with the huge amount of in flow of new staffs will cause few of middle senior staffs to be "move" out....

those extreme senior "senior" staffs will never be "move".................

change is good..... that what we are been told of but the process is a scarring feeling.....

must have strong adaptation skills......

nothing is forever.......

will never know if the "new" is suitable until we try it.........

30 years in nursing

Few years ago, i was suffering a burnout from work and a personal life.......
and seriously thinking of quiting

I went back to my see my 1st preceptor, and she still enjoying nursing as much as she is, that what i notice when i firstly meet her on my 1st month of work

Told her about my decision to quit and ask her how she mange to keep going after 30 years

""We didn't always have the latest medical gadgets and medicines, but we had what mattered: people who care""

I spoke to the manager and took a week off and was granted a transfer to a new department, and i still stay on ...........

15th CNY

today is the last day of CNY, mom is cooking curry and relatives are coming over for potluck and everyone is enjoying dinner except me!

all i have is porridge since yesterday, bland and tasteless and colourless! boring.........

worst of all, i need to get back to work tomorrow, wearing mask whole shift untill off duty.... hope i can make it thru...........

sigh..................

Down again!

she woke up with a very painful throat and it was burning when drinking the first glass of water of the day......... and continue to drink and drink more cooling drink

her mom told her is "heatiness" from the CNY goodies especially the "kam", admitted did take a few kam a day especially from the fridge

later, the throat get better with the lozenge but at evening the nose get bloked and was started to run non-stop

she self-medicated and went for a nap and woken up by a very painful throat and slight temperature, her mom strongly suggest to go and see GP as her voice also change...

went down to the nearer GP

GP: anyone at home is sick??
she: nope!

GP: anyone from your workplace is sick?
she: most of them

GP: are they more sick than you?
she: of course!

GP: then, how did your workplace function?
she: that how is works

GP: btw, what do you do for a living?
she: RN in a hospital

Year of Rat 2008

for the Chinese, the new year have just arrive and everyone is still on the celebration mood till 21st Feb.........

this year I manage to celebrate CNY with family at home instead at ward, for the past few years I was working while evryone was at home enjoying the company of their loved ones.... no complaint as i choose this proffesion myself

things have been quite busy as there was postpone of elective major surgery from last year due to high rate of RTA and shortage of ICU beds..... mostly from drunk driving, it does kills but people are still doing it........

2008 resolution?? is that necessary? do i need so much planning in my life?

Bear me a fruit

last two years was not a fantastic years for me.........
lot of things happen and most of it....... sad and of course the bad heart broken....

few close friends who knew what i have gone throughout and seriously ask me to consider to leave....... isn't it running away from the problem and keep on running away?

Nurse manager wanted me to do a research topic for her, the last one didn't manage to fully take off as everyone in the group left except me...... and manager decided to add-in one member for me without informing me and i totally can't work with this person.......

have a talk with manager and still mention the same things " bear me a fruit" = produce a finished research topic for her..... so i decided to add myself into other group....

2008, i simply hope it go smoothly and i just simply pray for it..........

new beginning

he came and stay on for almost two months, he fight hard for the sake of his wife and three children

there was so much happiness in everyone when he started talking and and sat out on the chair and tell us about his family

children was great and came to visit and sang songs and watch movie

he was so well than he was transfer out to step down

he came back and was deteriorated very badly and stay on another 67 days and suffer lot of complication

we didn't gave up and try whenever we can get our hands on

he get weaken over the days and soon he was in multiple organ failure and beyond what the technology can support

he left on 8th January 2008 at 1730hours, he left with a very peaceful face and a smile too

parent, wife, children, sisters, brother and colleagues was crying that he is leaving at such a young age

he was a fighter, son, husband, father, brother, colleague, friend